"x x x.
By LAWPROFBLAWG
March 22, 2016
- Breathe. I find that if someone is in my face, I tense up. My breathing becomes shallower. My muscles tighten. I’m ready to fight. Take a deep breath. It will calm you down and deescalate the situation. I don’t mean by deep breath a passive-aggressive heavy sigh (save that for meetings). What I mean is to take a full on yoga-style deep breath.
- Distance yourself. It is hard to remember that when someone is pulling you into a circle of drama that you don’t need to make it your drama. View the situation as if you are watching actors in a play safely from the balcony. How do you feel the actor should respond? Sometimes we give others better advice than we choose to follow for ourselves. This is a very good tool when the tester of your patience is yourself.
One can achieve distance by exercising, changing location, engaging in a hobby, or reading a good book. In other words, something that distracts us from being drawn into the drama can help us achieve perspective.
- Set limits. Sometimes we feel impatient because we have no safe space. With our texts constantly blowing up our phones, with phone calls, e-mails, and the like, our space is constantly invaded. Setting limits gives us some time to not respond.
As an example, I had a friend who would blow up my phone almost every night with drama. I told this person I would be putting my phone down at 9 p.m. Of course, at precisely 8:59 p.m., came more drama texts. I then reset the limit: I choose when I respond. No one gets to choose for me. It might be 8:50, or 8:30, or never.
- Understand the triggers. Some people are very good at pushing buttons. What do they get from doing so? Power? Attention? It is vitally important that you rob them of their motivation. If someone likes to see you clench your jaw and turn bright red when they yell at you, it is important to remember tip #1, above. Robbing them of their motivation takes away their desire to test your patience.
But more importantly, why are you reacting viscerally? Usually, we replay tapes (or if you’re younger, MP3s) in our heads from when we were younger in similar situations. Like well-bred truffle pigs, some people instinctively know which buttons to push to maximize a response from you. If you figure out how to avoid responding, you win twice over: You take away their motivation, and you gain power, control, and patience. If the person who is pushing your buttons is yourself, what are you trying to tell yourself about having to deal with that issue?
- Fake it until you make it. Attempt to start each day being positive and grateful, whether you are or not. Attempt to start each day feeling powerful, whether you feel it or not.
If someone is attempting to take your joy away, respond with short, positive statements. It is a way to avoid being sucked into the drama. If someone goes on about how they’ll “never find what they are looking for,” I usually reply, “I’m sure it’s just around the corner for you.” This is usually followed by “LawProfBlawg, how would you know? I’ve searched for decades.” My response, “If you think positively, I’m sure you’ll find it soon.” Disengagement by engagement allows you to maintain being positive while not letting someone take your energy. It even works if the person attempting to sap your energy is yourself.
- Hoc quoque finiet. Or maybe Illegitimi non carborundum. Recognize that all things are temporary. The person who is annoying you today won’t be the person annoying you 10 years from now. That which consumed your worries last year is perhaps no longer a worry today. The notion that you are not stuck in that state of having your energy drained (by yourself or others) is something that can be reassuring. x x x."
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